If you need a refresher of where babies come from Biology class in High School.........my friend, this is the class for you!
Several things occurred while in class:
1. I took notes. If you want me to pay attention, I need to take notes. However, I stopped writing when the instructor suggested we need to "do 3 hees to 1 ho" when we are heavy in the labor pains. I put my pen down at the point. Ain't nobody got the time to count out hees and hos while birthing a baby. And please just bring me the drugs.
2. While discussing the throes of labor, our instructor offered up some words of wisdom:
"The best thing about labor is that it ends."
Thank you. I will have to remind myself of that sentence after I complete my 4th hee hee ho ho.
3. The instructor came full of the jokes.....
the joke that made all of the dad's look at the expentant moms having boys was:
"If you have your son circumcised, don't expect for him to walk or talk for a year."
The look on the dad's faces was one of horror and shock. First time dad's are so naive......and funny.
4. The instructor recommended a iPod play list if we think we would like music in the background.
H said that he would gladly make me a play list.
First song: Push It, Push It Real Good by Salt N Pepa.
And then, after baby boy is here, we can play "Whoop, There It Is!"
I find no humor in this. I don't want to ruin any songs with painful memories of birthing a child. I don't have any plans of turning the labor room into dance party USA.
5. While watching the birthing video, which was a woman in labor without any drugs whatsoever, H leans over and asks me if I'm going to be as weak as she is.
Then, he replied with: "well, I just don't want your weakness transferring to our son."
To which I replied with: "You are about to be admitted to the ER."
To which he looked puzzled and I followed up by saying "with a broke nose."
H made friends with the other dads during lunch. He then told them what he whispered to me.....and they started in on the jokes.
It's all fun and games until someone's water breaks!
6. After we finished with the video- which pretty much shut up the dad's for a while- the instructor discussed the difference between forceps and the vacuum.
My man leans over and says:"So forceps are like salad tongs?"
Yep. Salad Tongs. And I'm sure that if one of the nurses forgets salad tongs while having their Christmas pot-luck at the hospital ......they just grab some sterilized forceps.
7. The class was good and informative....however, labor/delivery room........it was a little too informative. But, now I know.
8. After touring the labor wing and thinking/sleeping on all of our new information- we now have a birth plan. And, when I say plan.....I mean, we know at which point we will be calling, texting and inviting. For the past 2-days, I have been more concerned with our hospital guests and making them feel welcomed and entertained than the actual birth itself.
H had to remind me, that while in labor, I'm not longer an event planner- I'm simply a mom. I told him that's fine and all......but who is going to pass out the goodie bags to our guests?.....and ask them to sign his book? He had to walk away.
3 months from today- I'll have a baby.
Excuse me while I go throw up........and pack my own salad tongs.